High Capacity Ribbon Manufacture Questionable Sales Strategy^©

WSTAR Radio of Bethlehem Breaking News Report

Covert investigation reveals the truth about the growth of the use of pretzel shaped ribbons to promote and memorialize social, political, medical, etc. agendas. The pretzel shaped ribbon can be pinned to a coat, attached to a car or metal filing cabinet with a magnet, glued to a trash can, etc. An anonymous ribbon expert reluctantly revealed under pressure from a high pressure undercover lawyer’s investigation of what many people had suspected. The High Capacity Ribbon Company learned to make transparent ribbon style donations to social, charity, medical, and outdoor organizations to get the organization to designate a ribbon color to promote their organization’s agendas. The donations were wisely selected to fit into the life style of the heads of the organizations so attention would not be drawn to the donations.

High Capacity Ribbon Company’s management has not commented on the questionable sales strategy. They are preoccupied with wrapping up an unraveling ribbon marketing problem.

The Planner Button company hired the Fill Our Pockets Law firm to oversee an investigation into why people had stopped using buttons and started using ribbons to promote their organizations’ agendas. The lawyer, still not identified, conducted a dangerous four-year investigation by securing a job with the High Capacity Ribbon Company as a ribbon curler. The undercover lawyer took great effort to not lie on the job application. He worked his way up the corporate ladder to be an associate director of the Ribbon Research Department. He worked hard and received annual bonuses for his accomplishments. One of his duties was to identify and/or create future demands for ribbons.

Several of the ribbon developments initiated under the leadership of the undercover lawyer were:

1. Clear ribbon that had, on one side, milk impregnated adhesive which was earmarked to replaced what is generically called Scotch tape. At first the Milk Producers Association supported using the milk tape, because the clear ribbon looked like clear tape. An unexpected class action law suit by lactose intolerant people ended the Milk Producers Association support of the milk tape. It seems that after licking their fingers to help them pull the tape off the tape reel the lactose intolerant customers would get sick. The adhesive had such a tantalizing sweet taste that people would continue to lick their fingers after handling the tape. Some people would lick both sides of the tape. Why the people started licking the tape remains a mystery.

2. Sunflower tape was developed to be a humane way to capture squirrels. The tape worked like what is called “fly strips.” The gray colored tape with painted sunflower seeds and laced with strips of strong glue was effective in holding squirrels when they walked on the tape or leaned against the tape. The home owner could pick up the tape with a wriggling squirrel and place it in a box. The box would be taken to a distant wood where the squirrel would be released. The method of deactivating the glue was to spray the tape with super hold hair spray. The glue would soften and the squirrel could wiggle off the tape. The hair spray did make the squirrels’ hair stick out from the body for several days. This wild and wooly hair style seemed to cause other squirrels to not have any sexual interest in breeding with them. This caused a sharp decrease in the squirrel population.

Another problem with the Sunflower glue tape was it was too strong to be allowed around birds. After becoming stuck to the tape, the struggling birds would pull out their stuck feathers. Nude and partially nude birds were not acceptable to animal rights groups and children’s conservation organizations. The sporting equipment companies were interested in how easily the feathers were pulled out of the birds at very little expense. The extracted feathers could be used to feather arrows and make badminton birdies. Just the feathers and not the birds would be used to make the badminton birdies. Defeathered and nude birds did not fly in a straight line after being hit by a badminton racquet.

3. Metallic tape was developed to replace fishing lures. The metallic fish tape, with built in fish hooks, was able to reproduce the fin action of a swimming fish. The ability for the tape to attract fish was moderately effective. The metallic fish tape was very effective in attracting snakes. This attraction doomed the sales of the metallic fish tape, because many people are afraid of snakes. People just could not get used to having to deal with so many wriggling snakes during what was to be a relaxing fishing trip. Killing the snakes to get them off the hooks did not generate protests by animal rights groups

The undercover lawyer was not able to get employees to talk about the development of the ribbon market strategy. He finally had some good luck after a planning meeting in which he served bourbon whisky laced hard ribbon candy. The bourbon ribbon candy loosened up the tongues of the managers. The managers talked about the wonderful impact of Potato Creek gated community. After serving the third box of bourbon ribbon candy, the tongues became unraveled.

The lawyer found out about how the “kissing” cousin to the president used his position of being the head of the Cuddle Pet Cemetery in Potato Creek to sell ribbons. He talked the pet owners that had their pets buried in the exclusive north-central section of the cemetery, to start wearing black looped ribbons to indicate how much they cared for their pets. This developed a status symbol of the black ribbon and started a big rush of people in Potato Creek community to buy a cemetery plots for their pets. The success was reported back to the ribbon company’s president.

The president of the ribbon company started planning how the company would encourage organization’s leaders to use ribbons instead of imprinted buttons, pens and toilet tissue to promote their agendas.

Two days after the undercover investigative lawyer went public with his report, he was found completely wrapped in one mile of two inch clear adhesive backed ribbon outside the door to the Potato Creek post office. Attached to him was the proper postage that would mail him to the American Civil Liberties Union headquarters in Reykjavík, Iceland. If mailed, the lawyer would end up in the dead letter department in Iceland since there is currently not an ACLU office in Reykjavik. The lawyer was not happy being wrapped in the clear sweet-smelling milk-based tape. He was lactose intolerant. He claims that he was distracted and attacked by a nude woman wearing clear adhesive tape.

Updates to this report will be broadcast as activities unravel.

Stay tuned for a breaking news story that will expose how cats that normally do not wear swimsuits decided to wear human skin bathing suits when swimming in the overflow pond at the Potato Creek gated community.

WSTAR reporter, Dale “The Saint” Lee

A former resident of Potneck, Tennessee

Date last modified, September 8, 2010

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